No Remorse

Do they still reward Aussie hunters for shooting kangaroos? If so, do they dispose of the body afterwards or just leave it where it fell, to fertilize the bush?
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Just Between It and It

Why are spiders so dumb? Why do they keep spinning their webs in places where they will be destroyed within two hours? (And why must they spin it at face level all the time in these locations?) Don't leave your broom outside anywhere near a hydro pole. Keep your lawn chairs inside and, above all, if you have any bookends, keep them safely stashed.
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This Commercial Has 22 Minutes

I had to cut the news short. Too much bullshit. It gets on my nerves. We're shocked by the behaviour of crowds, are we? Shocked? Not at the crowds that have lined opposing sides of the battlefield all through history; not at the crowds that sacked Rome or the crowds that stormed the Bastille; not at the crowds that crucified Christ or cheered for Hitler; but this crowd was supposed to behave differently. And who's guiding their behaviour? More oil slick updates. The guy who caused it. He was on his yacht after he said he cared. He's rich. He may be growing a beard. He's getting 20 million dollars more after all this. Let's grab him and make him walk the plank. Iran is a threat. They are a very dangerous threat. If they keep going like this, they'll reach the point America was at in 1945! That's why we need to fight them. Because they're a very dangerous threat. North Korea threatened to nuke an American ship. I can see why. They don't have to worry. After they nuke that ship, they can just switch on their forcefield to prevent the US Air Force from coming in and blowing up their entire country in one air strike.
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Control This

What is with these assholes that need to bark orders at people around them - even when they have no authority to do so? How did they make it out of High School alive? And what kind of sadistic creep lets them keep their job so they can keep on offending everybody? You ever see one of these pricks? They bark out shit like, 'Put it over there!' Then, as you attempt to comply with the wish, they yell, 'After you turn it on its side, IDIOT!', as if you were supposed to know what they didn't tell you beforehand. And then you turn it on its side and you start to put it over there and they yell, 'THAT'S TOO FAR, STUPID!' And if you talk to them, they'll tell you they're the greatest. But if you talk to anyone else that knows them, you'll get a very different story.
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5: Team Five

Team Five consisted mostly of rookie forklift drivers. As the buzzer sounded, they rolled out of their bunks, donned their matching shirts with oversized number fives on their backs, and jogged off to their vehicles, parked in area five and each marked with an individual number five. Ross sat nervously as he struggled with the parking brake. Until he had it in position, his machine honked at him ceaselessly. Finally he released it, and he rolled out in formation with the others, and, for a split second, the look magnified by his glasses changed from one of fear to one of being lost. They were each equipped with radios to stay co-ordinated. Ace was the senior and the dominant voice on their frequency. 'Just remember what I said, boys. Whatever you do, stay in your forklift. The worst that can happen is we all stop and take some extra time to regain control of the situation.' Team Five were naval forklift operators. Ross had never seen a destroyer out of the water before. That wasn't enough for his employers, though. They needed that beast loaded onto a freight car. (A naval freight car.) Ace's voice came through loud and clear on Ross's radio. 'Okay, first we have to flip it over so the flat side is facing down. Everyone over to one side!' Ross complied and joined his team mates in the maneuver. They focused their forks on key stress points along the keel and all lifted in unison, and when the earth shook a second time, they knew the ship was sitting the way they needed it. Ace had assigned everyone on the team a code name and Ross's was Aging Loner. 'Aging Loner, this is Alpha One. Attach your giant chain and hook, and drive over to co-ordinates three five zero- niner!' 'Do I have to?' whimpered Ross. 'I survived a ship that was sunk by a destroyer as a child.' 'Yes,' answered the voice. Ross felt dread creeping up on him as he took his place in the circle. He had hoped they were going to lift from below with the forks. He felt more secure that way than by using the chains. Soon the great vessel was hovering amid them. Up, up, up it needed to be raised before it reached its platform. The higher it got, the more nervous Ross became. It began swinging to and fro, humbling him in its terrible shadow. He wished he didn't have to look at it, but that was his job. Then something unexpected happened. The ship spun around and appeared to aim all its guns straight at him. He shrieked and baled out immediately. 'Aging Loner, return to your post! Aging Loner, this is Alpha One. Return to your post!'
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Fyodor of the Absurd

I just realized that Dostoevsky might not have been entirely serious with some of his more tragic characters. I mean, he might have started out serious, but as the figure became more and more pathetic with every added detail of their heartbreaking plight, he might have took a look back on it and, well, laughed. After all, it was happening to his character, not to him. Do you know what I mean, though? First you find out the child is sick. Then his mother comes in to strip him and beat him with thorny branches. Then he has to walk ten miles to his school and get spit on by every other kid on the way there. Etc. Etc.
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The Atlantian Man

Hey man, I'll say it again, I'm not Jesus. That dude is after my time, all right? That's if he ever lived. [2013: Entered while atheist.] Don't let the name fool ya. I go back far. Very very far. You have to dig up some of my earliest manuscripts, located somewhere in Asia minor. I'm before the Egyptians and the Sumerians. I'm fucking Atlantian, okay? I am an ancient soul. And my reconstruction of old works is not limited to the music and writing I shared in this life. The chorus of Tunnel Vision was a war chant I wrote for the Babylonians to use against the Sumerians. Or was it the Chaldeans? Wait a minute... Chaldeans are Baylonians. Was it the Skytheans? So long ago I can't remember. Anyway, I don't know what the stupid Crystalids video looked like for that song, but if it lacked chariots and mounted archers, it was way off. It should also feature shapely women in spiraling breast plates. I'm still waiting for Nebuchadnezzar to pay me my five goats and ten virgins for that tune. I heard he was reincarnated into a modern day network executive. Still egotistical enough to name his kingdom after himself: Nebuchadnezzar's Broadcasting Corporation.
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